Helping Yourself Through Grief

1. Provide Gentle Self-Care when Grief is Fresh. Ask for help with everyday tasks, drink plenty of fluids, take a walk, and, at bedtime, soak in a soothing bath or drink a cup of warm milk to help you sleep.

2. Accept Your Feelings. Common emotions are disbelief, numbness, fear, anger, relief, guilt, loneliness, and exhaustion. Know there is no right or wrong way to feel or grieve.

3. Find an Outlet for Your Feelings. A range of intense emotions can be generated after a loss, and these feelings need release. So cry, walk, write what’s on your heart, paint, or talk to a friend.

4. Care for Your Whole Being—Body, Mind, and Spirit. Get regular exercise, replace self-critical thoughts with positive ones, and accept that sorrow is not a sign of spiritual weakness.

5. Seek Ongoing Support. Grieving is a lengthy journey and support is needed from those who understand this reality. Consider joining a Grief Support Group to meet others.

6. Make Needed Adjustments. Your routines, roles, and relationships have been altered as a result of the death. Keep a flexible attitude with a willingness to adapt and change.

7. Manage the Stress of Change. Cultivate an inner calm when you cannot change a situation. Slow down, relax your standards, and engage in a life-giving activity each day.

8. Embrace the Memories. Death ends a life, but it doesn’t end a relationship. Retain special keepsakes, create a memory book, or give to a charity in your loved ones name.

9. Search for Meaning. You may wonder what purpose your life has now. Stay present in the activities of each day and a sense of meaning and purpose will gradually reemerge.

10. Prepare for Special Occasions. Plan ahead for anniversaries, holidays, and other special occasions when grief can be especially intense, and do what feels right for you.

Helping Someone Who Is Grieving

~Your presence is more important than anything you say. Don’t assume you know how they feel or what you can say to make it better. A hug and “I’m sorry” is usually enough.

~Expect a wide range of emotions, including a sense of unreality in early grief. There is no right or wrong way to feel, whether it is guilt, regret, relief, anger, sadness, or fear.

~Listen attentively. At first, their talk may be mostly about the death. Later, they may talk more about their loved one’s life. Listen, even if they repeat their stories over and over.

~Make specific and practical offers to help, such as, “Let me pick-up some groceries for you when I’m at the store,” rather than, “if there’s anything you need, give me a call.”

~Don’t try to lessen the loss with easy answers—“It’s God’s will,” “They’re better off now,” “God needed a little angel in heaven,” or “There must be a reason.”

~Remember there is no timetable for grief, so keep support ongoing. Also, don’t rush them to put away their loved one’s belongings. They will when they’re ready; then offer to help.

~Share your positive memories of the deceased. It helps the bereaved relive past experiences and feel connected to their loved one.

~Let the bereaved know what you appreciate about them. Build them up and include them in your life and activities. Self-esteem and a sense of identity suffer after a major loss.

~Remember special days–holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. Mark them on your calendar. These are likely to be difficult times for someone who is grieving.

~Encourage professional help if you see any of the following warning signs: thoughts of self-destruction, mounting anxiety, depression, or abuse of drugs and alcohol.

“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”—Helen Keller

From The Nature of Grief: Photographs and Words for Reflection and Healing , by Rebecca Hauder. Available at www.resourcesforgrief.com